Thursday, January 28, 2010

A letter to my angels

My sweet babies,

I am so sorry that I wasn't able to bring you in to this amazing world. I can only try to believe that God has a special purpose for you in Heaven and I can't wait to find out what that is when I meet the two of you some day.

Your father and I love you very much. We didn't have the chance to meet you but you were very, very real to us. One of you was with us on our honeymoon. I still have the Ogunquit onesie we bought for you. We were scared and had no idea what we were going to do. We had only been married a month when I found out you were with us but we were also very excited. I remember by the time we were driving home from Maine, all we could talk about was the amazing things we were going to do with you when we got to meet you.

The other, came in to our lives last summer and shared your dad's 26th birthday with us. We felt like we were finally "ready" to go on this adventure again. I tried to do everything right. I didn't touch caffeine, took my vitamins and tried not to over exert myself. Sadly, you were with us for a shorter time than the angel before you. We were suppose to meet you tomorrow. I suppose it's kind of ironic that we're facing white-out conditions and minus 20 wind chills. Your dad and I were joking at dinner tonight that I'd have to have you at home because who knows if we could make back down the mountain tonight!

To some people, you were just a line on a stick. A faint one at that. But I knew. I knew I was going to be your mommy whether I got to meet you in the outside world or not. I loved the feeling of not being able to suck in my belly because you were there. I love that while I was walking through the streets of Newport, RI, I would get a little winded and need to sit down for a minute. I adored the way that even though I had made my favorite meal of cornish hens with all the trimmings, all I ate that night was a can of peas, because that's the only thing I really wanted.

I will never stop thinking about you. I only hope and pray that you are OK where ever you are. Please ask Jesus to bless us while we try to get pregnant again and have a live baby. Know that if we ever have a full-term baby, they will never take the place of you, simply be an addition to you. We love you more than anything in the world. Please be in peace.


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